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Just an average banking conversation....


After ten minutes of hold music and being reminded that the bank was recording the conversation....

Wanker Banker: Hello Soapytitwank Banking and Mortgage Solutions, can I help you? [Bank name changed to protect the guilty party]

Deptford Croppy: Hello, I’d like to know why staff at two branches of your bank told me last week that my direct debit mortgage payment went through; yet you then sent me a letter explaining that my payment had not been received and that you were charging me for the failed payment.  

Wanker Banker: Ah yes sir, that’s because there were insufficient funds to cover the transaction, you had reached your overdraft limit.

Deptford Croppy: OK....that still doesn’t really answer my question. Why was I told that the payment went through?

Wanker Banker: I’m sorry sir, I can’t answer that but your payment failed because you had reached your overdraft limit.

Deptford Croppy: But I have a statement here in front of me that clearly shows that you have regularly allowed an unauthorised overdraft on my account well beyond that agreed limit when direct debits were due. I mean surely, when my mortgage and my current account are with the same bank, that shouldn’t be a problem should it? You are both from Soapytitwank aren’t you?

Wanker Banker: Yes sir we are, but retail and mortgage at Soapytitwank are separate entities....

Deptford Croppy: You mean like the Holy Trinity?

Wanker Banker: Excuse me sir?

Deptford Croppy: You know, the Father, Son and Holy Ghost...is that how it works at Soapytitwank?

Wanker Banker: ........

Deptford Croppy: Would it be fair to say that you’ve noticed a pattern of late payments and now you’re trying to make me default?

Wanker Banker: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have a policy of making customers default—

Deptford Croppy: You mean you’re different to the other banks I’ve researched who target struggling customers and pressurise them into defaults or costly refinancing? As we’re on the subject of banking integrity,  I noticed Soapytitwank made a  significant ‘goodwill payment’ to me a couple of months ago...In my experience goodwill payments are usually made as hush money in the hope that the recipient will not pursue more costly and profitable legal action against the bank. Why exactly was that payment made and bear in mind, I’m asking as a customer and as a journalist, so you are on the record...

Wanker Banker: Are you calling as a customer or as a journalist sir?

Deptford Croppy: I’m calling as both, I am both ‘entities’. Unlike your good self, when I call the bank,  I choose not to distinguish between Croppy the customer and Croppy the journalist....I was reminded at the start of the conversation that Soapytitwank would be recording our conversation, well, so am I...

Wanker Banker:  Would you please hold sir.....[Followed by another ten minutes of Vivaldi....] Hello sir, I can give you the information you require as a customer but I have been instructed to tell you that I am not authorised to give interviews to reporters....

Deptford Croppy: So I can have the information once I tell you I’m a customer but you can’t give it to me if I, as a customer, say I’m a journalist by trade...It’s okay mate, I think you’ve told me enough....When you go to work, do you get there on a tiny bicycle wearing a red nose and big floppy shoes?





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