The 'ne plus ultra' of hamburgers; an evolutionary zenith

Bristol, UK: 2011

Western civilisation reached a new pinnacle recently in the British Isles. Our lead picture shows Sipros Lombardo of the Jolly Fryer restuarant in Bristol, proudly displaying his concept: the ‘Uber Scooby Burger’; a good feed and a philosophical breakthrough.

Even Elvis at the top of his game would probably have struggled with this one: eight 1/4lb beef patties, 16 rashers of bacon, 16 slices of cheese, 32 onion rings. For the health-conscious, there is also a selection of salad with three different sauces. This beast contains 5,000 calories; enough to feed and constipate a manual labourer for two days. It is a meal with a bigger carbon footprint than three Amazonian villages.

For this 'ne plus ultra' of hamburgers, Sipros is likely to be celebrated in that parochial underdog way. The fancy-dan press in London might be all arch and ironic in their coverage but to the people in that part of Bristol which is home to the Jolly Fryer, he is probably a genuine local celebrity.

But Sipros Of Bristol is much more than that. Like so many of his classical Mediterranean forbears, Sipros is a vox populus and a hero of the people. His Uber Scooby Burger is a bold statement; it is a clarion call for the democratisation of gluttony. Our Big society of choices is clearly paying dividends.

With quantum leaps like this, it surely can’t be long before we start installing vomitariums in our better restaurants. This would have the added benefit of creating a whole new area of employment for developing world lavatory attendants. Those who were prepared to diversify could attend customers with individually packed and sterilised feathers with which to solicitously tickle their uvulas into an evacuation so they could gorge anew. A brave new bilious world beckons...

Mumbai, India: 2011

And of course, we shouldn’t forget the people whose lives have made possible such a bounteous and instantly gratified society. Here's a few of them, look at them down there, a great bunch of lads; happy and thankful to give a grateful smile to the cameras in return for the proselytising philanthropy of a meal.

Perhaps in return for their photograph, it might also be nice to send them an icon of Sipros and his Uber Scooby Burger. At least then they would know that their short and impoverished lives were being lived for the higher purpose of supporting a truly evolved society. Perhaps one day, their children’s children will know that hallowed democracy of singular self-indulgence; unwittingly embodied so eloquently by Sipros Of Bristol.

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