Biffus Maximus Victrix! Brutus Martinus fugit!

+++Proprius!+++

Courtesy of:

Ad Publicitus Retinaculum Robiginosus
(‘Maleficium ab Rebellatrix Sequestris Novum’)*

Rome 44 BC

After the sensational failure of his attempt on Caesar, Martinus has fled to his Southern villa in the rebellious Bruttium region where it is learned, he will continue to plot against the Emperor even as the decadent and profligate reign of Biffus Maximus lurches to its inevitable conclusion.

This was confirmed when Brutus Martinus (Praetor Ministerium Barbaricus in Gubernatio Biffum) told scribes outside the Forum that “Caesar continues to have my support and as long he leads our Phalanx Fatalis I will actively support him,” Brutus however stressed that Phalanx Fatalis (Caesar’s political power base) has been seriously damaged by the constant allegations of incompetence and debauchery against its leader. It was recently revealed that Caesar’s government had consistently been implicated in major corruption in road and aquaduct building schemes, while his ‘patrician’ cohorts manipulated villa and appartment prices across the Empire.

All this at a time when Rome is paying huge tributes to the barbarians of Germania to prevent them sacking the city again. Cunning Caesar capitalised on uncertainty among the plotting senators; after all he reasoned, was there anyone else up to the job of negotiating a deal with the greedy barbarians? Destiny smiled on Biffus: with Brutus bloodied, the conspiracy evaporated and Caesar lives to fight another day; a lame duck to join the noble geese of Capitoline Hill....

The Roman mob have so far remained ruly but now that the bread and circuses have run out, it may only be a matter of time before the doughty plebeians, longing to return to Republican rule, succeed where the spineless patricians so signally failed.

*With sincere apologies to classics students for translation: ‘Biffo victorious, Martin withdraws, Exclusive! The Rusty Wire/Cable Service (Mischief from a rebellious news agency)’

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