Grand Wizard unearths new Keats and Chapman manuscripts*
Professor Osborne Xavier O’Lughnasa, a Grand Wizard of The Institute of Implausibility, has discovered a set of previously unpublished Keats and Chapman anecdotes in the attic of a Munich Bierhaus.
Forensic etymologists from the Journal of Omniresearch are currently poring over the beer-stained pages to ascertain whether or not Myles na gCopaleen was in fact the author. OmniResearch Inc. (‘Innovation through lubrication), based in Israel is one of the world's foremost authorities in Omnium Studies.
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| Myles finds diversion in Dublin |
“I am satisfied this is the genuine article,” said O’Lughnasa yesterday in a press statement issued by the Institute. “I am also sure that that the boys at Omniresearch Inc. will bear me out,” he added.
Certainly, the manuscripts look the part, and the tortuous set-up followed by improbable puns are very much in keeping with Flann O’Brien’s style.
See Below.
Keats and Chapman were staying on the site of an archeological dig in Kurdistan. One night, Chapman was woken by noises outside his tent. Peering out, he saw two figures emerge from a nearby tent, then make their way to the next and crawl quietly in. He realised that the men were native tribesmen stealing from the tents while the camp slept. Chapman left his tent and cast around for a weapon, thinking that the natives were probably armed. The first thing that came to hand was a bone from a pile nearby. Chapman recognised it as a human thigh bone. Moving quietly to the tent where the robbers were, he waited for them to emerge. As they crawled out, he struck first the one and then the other sharply over the head, knocking them both unconscious, then raised the alarm. The camp came awake, and a small crowd gathered around Chapman and the two unconscious natives. Chapman explained what had happened.
"Well done, Chapman," said Keats. "You seem to have stilled two Kurds with one bone."
******
Walking along the cliffs near Land's End one day, Keats and Chapman came across a spot overlooking a small bay, where they decided to rest for a while. Lower down the cliff, they noticed a group of boys throwing stones at the sea birds in the bay.
After a while, Chapman said, "Keats, don't you think we should do something about this?"
"What? Yes, yes of course you're right," replied Keats. Leaning forward over the cliff, he called down to the boys, "That's it, lads, keep it up. Leave no tern unstoned."
******
Keats and Chapman were visiting a friend at his house in the country. Their friend was well known for his hobby of collecting thrones, rather unusual collector's items perhaps, but the man had the wealth to have acquired quite a fair few of them. At Keats' request, the man led them through to a large conservatory, where the collection stood. Some were set out for display, whilst others, the less worthy perhaps, were stacked in piles. Chapman was particularly struck by one throne which was some way down in a stack in a corner. He asked if it might be possible to view it properly, and their friend obligingly called for the butler to dismantle the pile. The butler was some time in arriving, and Chapman, impatient at the wait, began to lift thrones from the pile himself. Unfortunately, the pile had not been well stacked, and, Chapman disturbing its precarious equilibrium, the whole heavy tower of thrones toppled and fell, crashing through the glass end wall of the conservatory.
There was a silence, then Chapman, horror-stricken, said, "What can I say?"
"You could try the old adage," said Keats promptly. "People who live in glass houses shouldn't stow thrones."
******
An unfortunate series of events had led to an acquaintance of Chapman's becoming an inmate of the local lunatic asylum. Our heroes went along one visiting day to see the man. The asylum was built in the form of a square, enclosing a courtyard, and it was in that courtyard that the visitors were allowed to visit their unfortunate friends and relatives. After some time, a white coated attendant came out to the top of the steps that led down into the courtyard, and began ringing a handbell.
"What does that signify?" asked Chapman.
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